I’m not the most patient of people at times. In fact, all it takes is for someone to say something off this list and I’ll be on the verge of removing their eyes with a spoon.
Whether it’s my time of the month, or something is just pure grating on me, sometimes I feel like flipping the nearest table (as if I ever could).
So I thought I’d accumulate a list for you all.
People repeatedly asking me if I know something when I’ve told them I do not know.
Did you not hear me the first time?”What was the name of that guy from a few years ago?”
“Oh, I dunno.”
“You know, the one from the restaurant.”
“Yeah I know who you mean I just don’t know his name.”
“Was it Steve?”
“Erm, I don’t remember.”
“It might’ve been Sam, was it Sam?”
Cue me breaking your fucking face. FUCK.
People tagging themselves into hospitals with no explanation.
Listen, you wanna tell us all about that colonoscopy, or that mole you’re getting removed? Cool. Tell me everything. That weird shit intrigues me. But don’t tag me in the “didn’t expect to spend my night here…” followed by a “I’ll DM you” when someone finally comments and asks why.
You wanna be an attention seeker? THEN TELL ME WHAT WENT DOWN.
“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
Wow. That’s so original. It’s snowing outside and you’re quoting Frozen on your Facebook status along with a photo of a poorly constructed snowman with one eye and a carrot penis? You’re practically an entrepreneurial genius for even thinking of it!
What next, the Thunder Buddies song during a storm?! Fuck off.
People who walk slowly in front of me.
It’s IKEA. It’s the Trafford Centre. It’s the city fucking centre. Why are you dawdling? Are you admiring the mouldings of Forever 21? Are you discussing the ambiance of Starbucks? Has something caught your eye in the shop of FUCK?! I don’t give a shit. Get out of my way or I’ll kick the back of your knees. Yes, granny, I’m looking at you.
People who buy followers – and lie about it.
Yes. You. I see you. I know you fib. I know you don’t follow 100, have 20k followers and blog once every 6 months. If you’re gonna be a social media fibber, at least own it. “Yeah, I bought them. It makes me feel fuzzy when I look at my number count.”
Don’t be like “omg can’t believe 50k of you love me LOVE YA’LL”. DOUBLE FUCK.
So there’s my list. What’s yours? Share your FUCK’S with me. Although that could be interpreted weirdly.