A Fresh Look

IMG_1973“If you were to wake up tomorrow truly happy, what would have changed?”

I forced a smile. I chewed the inside of my lip. I sat in a room I didn’t know, in front of a person I’d just met and she’d ask me a question that made my stomach twist into knots. I knew the answer, but it stuck in my throat like hot tears, and I’d already cried so much. My heart raced, my finger nails bit into my palm soaked with sweat. I’d been asked a simple question and I didn’t know what to say.

Three months ago, I was in a really bad place.

I couldn’t imagine ever feeling better again. I was anxious, paranoid, sad, angry. I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t laughing and I wanted to shut myself out from the world. I couldn’t handle being around certain people and so I ignored texts, declined phone calls and left Facebook messages unread. I was in a low place, I was confused, I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I was rescued.

But it wasn’t by a knight in shining armour, a Prince didn’t ride in on his horse, a valiant Queen didn’t pick me up and dust me off. I was saved by several people, all of which may not even realise they did me a kindness I can never repay.

These people don’t wear capes or carry swords. They may not even realise their passing comment, smile or hug meant anything – but it did. It really did. And to them I owe my future, my sanity and the smile I currently have on my face.

Because of them, I can see the light. I have a fresh look. I have hope. I have plans. I’m tackling the anxiety that crippled me, I’m controlling my emotions and not letting them control me. This is such a huge step and it means the world to me.

“So.” She smiled and leant back in her seat, a warm smile spread across her face. “If you were to wake up tomorrow and be truly happy, what would have changed?”

This time I take a deep breath, I smile and I can’t help but laugh. I know the answer. And I’ll happily tell her.

And I’ll tell you all soon, too.

 

1 Comment

  1. 26th July 2016 / 10:20 am

    What an amazing post Kayleigh, I’m so pleased you’re finally in a better place sweetheart. You can be totally free from panic attacks/anxiety etc but you learn how to manage it and therefore be a better person. I look forward to finding out what is is that makes you happy girl!! 😎
    You know I love you, you are utterly gorgeous inside and out and I’m so pleased I followed you on Twitter because I like to think we’re friends and to that end I want you to know that you CAN talk to me, about anything, I will always listen.
    Love you lots Kayleigh.
    Sarah xoxox

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