Strap yourselves in, this is gonna be a deep one. Stop giggling.
Last night, I had a case of word vomit. Y’know when someone asks how you are and before you know it you’ve said things you didn’t even know were true until they fell out of your mouth? Yeah, that. And I realised that I’m not completely happy. You might need some background on past decisions.
In June 2016, I made a huge change and I can quite honestly say that it saved me.
It was the same old story – I was in a well-paid office job, but I was miserable. I lived off Starbucks, credit cards and pipe dreams. My depression came in waves – anger, sadness, anxiety, stomach issues. I had fallen into a job, climbed my way to the top of the career ladder, and was disappointed with the view. I wanted to feel like I’d achieved something. But I didn’t. I was in a better position financially, with only more opportunity on the horizon, but I felt more trapped than I ever had.
So I decided to have a conversation with my former self. (Figuratively, of course. I don’t have a time machine.) I needed to chat to the person who didn’t care about money, opinion or material things. The girl who had dreamed of one day holding a book with her name on the cover, her stories in black and white, her characters being loved. I wanted to look past the ‘emo’ fringe and excessive eyeliner into the eyes of 15-year-old me and ask: would you be happy? I knew she’d say ‘No.’ So I quit.
After I took the plunge, I thought that it would be easy. But fuck, it’s been hard. I’ve discovered that regardless of our intentions, we will always be confronted with difficult situations that really test us. And I feel like some of the choices I’ve made the past year have restricted and distracted me. Why did I make them? Fear, ignorance, self-doubt, etc. Because of this, my writing has become stale. My passion feels like a replica of someone else’s. But I have to change this. I can’t let my fear hold me back. I can’t let my ignorance keep me silent. I can’t let my self-doubt make me say no, when my gut is screaming yes. I know my goal, so why am I blindly stumbling to it? I should be learning from the journey and, more importantly, enjoying it.
So I feel like I’m at the second stage of finding my happiness and I need to reassess. And as scary as it is, that means more change.
I have decided that for the next 6 weeks, I will not be blogging. I will review existing products for brands that I have made commitments to. I will continue posting to Instagram, because it is my financial income and photography has been a challenge I still thoroughly enjoy. I’ll be taking this time out to figure out what it is I need to feel whole.
PS: I’ll still be chatting shit on twitter.