Sunday nights are filled with emotion for everyone.
Anticipation, excitement, dread, joy – some of us are excited for a job we love, some of us nervous for a meeting we’ve been dreading. For me, without fail, they’re filled with anxiety and fear. And I don’t know why.
If I try to explain to someone who doesn’t experience anxiety, it would go something like this: you ever get that feeling like you’re falling suddenly, like you’ve missed a step, and your stomach plunges and your heart races and you suddenly sweat? Or you realise you’ve forgotten to do something super important that will actually have dire consequences and you’re terrified and scramble to find ways to fix it?
That’s anxiety. Except you haven’t missed a step. You haven’t forgotten that important thing. You’re just terrified by anything and everything. I panic. My chest gets tight. I sweat. My heart races. And suddenly rationalising anything is impossible. That’s my Sunday night. And most of the mid week.
I can’t put my finger on why tonight is so bad. Nothing has happened to make me feel this way, but I suddenly feel unimportant. Hated. Disliked. Left out. Like I’m a huge disappointment and suddenly, everyone hates me.
I can’t even say “I know this isn’t true”, because I feel like it is true. I feel like you’re all gonna read this and roll your eyes and unfollow me on Twitter. How ridiculous is that? At least, I hope it is.
I know I need to breathe, use my CBT, focus on what’s important, understand my feeling, separate the physical feelings from my racing mind. But it’s difficult because I’m in the cyclone of it at the moment and everything is spinning and I’m drowning.
Does any of this make sense?